Dear Chess

Dear Chess,

This last letter for April Love is dedicated to you.  It's about the things that you struggle with, despite how awesome you are.  Sometimes you have to be the person you wish you had in life, because ultimately, you spend so much more time with yourself than anyone else.

You are so very special.  There will never be anyone quite like you.  You are amazing and have a unique purpose in life.  While I know you don't know what that purpose is, you will need to trust that you will figure it out.

I know you feel unworthy of life and love.  You need to learn to love yourself, for all your "flaws"and attributes.  Regardless of what anyone else things, you are worthy of your own love at the very least. By showing yourself love, you will be so much better able to handle what life has to throw at you.

You need to trust that you will be ok.  Despite the hardships in life, you will figure it out.  It's human nature to survive.  We, as a whole, would not have made it this far without that survival instinct.

You need to believe that you are not a selfish person.  You may have moments where your survival instincts will kick in, but you are not selfish.  You give of yourself, your time, your money, to the point that you give too much for fear that people will think you are selfish.  Trust that you aren't, and allow yourself to back off a little on the giving.  It will be ok.

You are extremely smart.  You pick things up very quickly, you have two college degrees.  Just because you don't have a job directly using those skills does not make you stupid.  Sometimes you have to make a difficult choice and right now that is staying in a place where those degrees are less useful.  You have so many other skills and any employer would be glad to have you.

Trust that you are a good person.  Yes, not everyone will like you.  That is a reflection of themselves, not you.  The idea that they are jealous seems so far-fetched when you are struggling with their hatred and back-stabbing, but it probably is true.  You cannot change them, but you can ignore them and move on.  That's usually the best course of action.

Lastly, forgive yourself.  You can't keep beating yourself up for decisions you made in the past.  You were ignorant or working off of partial knowledge at the time.  That's the whole point of life's journey; to learn and grow.  If you were perfect right off the bat, you would have no where to go from birth.  It's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them.  Today may be difficult, but you can make tomorrow better.

Take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

You can do this.

With the utmost love,

Chess

Dear Sanctuary

Dear Sanctuary,

You are my home when I am struggling to be around people.  You are my husband's arms when I'm struggling to be myself.  You are my doggy cuddles after a long day at work.  You are a conversation with my sister when I am struggling with life.  You are the tribe of women who support me in my adventures and side-hustle.  You are a good book or show when I need to escape from life for a little bit to get out of my head.

I'm very grateful for all of this in my life.  I'm happy to have you there when I need you, in all the various ways.  You keep me sane when I think I'm going crazy, which seems to be more often than I would like.  You keep me warm when I am cold.  You keep me active when I would like to ball up on the couch.

I know most people think of you as a place to retreat when life gets rough.  You are that for me, but also the will to carry on when life gets tough.  One day at a time.

With love,

Chess

Dear Fear

Dear Fear,

I am desperately trying to not let you rule my life right now.  I know that worrying about the future won't do much for me besides make me sick.  It's like my body has a mind of its own though, and the anxiety just keeps building until it boils over into tears.

What I really need from you right now is to let the strangle hold you have on my heart go, just a little bit.  I need a little room to breathe, to see that everything will be ok, no matter what happens.

At some point in the future, I hope we can come to some agreement that you will help me when I need you and I will let you into my life when it is truly necessary.

With love,

Chess

Dear Reflection

Dear Reflection,

When I look at you, I see a woman who is still struggling to figure out what she wants to do with her life.  A woman who struggles with her weight, but still manages to look nice on most days, despite how she feels.  I see a woman who is starting to get lines in her face, showing her age a little more.  A woman who has learned many things in her short life so far.  I see a woman who is now stronger, physically, than she has ever been.

When I look at you, I also see a little girl who desperately needs a little more love.  Love she didn't receive when she was a child, and love that she didn't give to herself growing up.  I want to give you a bath, wrap you up in a blanket, and tell you everything will be ok.  You are gorgeous and you are loved.  You are awesome and smart, you can really do almost anything.  You are not selfish and you are worthy of everything that you have received.

So, from now on, Dear Reflection, I plan to give you a little more love each day.  That little girl needs to hear it so that older lady can handle everything that is thrown at her.

With much love,

Chess

Dear Money

Dear Money,

We have had a difficult relationship, I know.  I have always feared not having enough of you. Growing up, we never wanted to for anything, but I can remember my mom always saying we didn't have money for things.

As I've grown up, I now see that some of it is what she chose to put her money into, and now I am enacting the same habits.  I spend you, and then I stress about not having enough.  This is a dangerous road we are on and cannot continue.

I'm slowly working to save more, spend less.  I know I don't need all this stuff.  Really it just collects dust.  However, these habits die hard, and the internet makes it even harder sometimes.  So, I try not to wander stores too much, and I try not to look at email ads or sales at stores I love to shop at.  By not looking, I save.

I have slowly increased the amount I shuttle off to savings accounts each month.  I've also really worked on socking you away for retirement.  Now I need to work on my fear of lacking and remember to be grateful for what I have.

It helps that I have such a supportive husband.

I look forward to seeing more of you in the future,

Chess.

Dear Kindness

Dear Kindness,

I am looking to add more of you into my life.  Currently, I'm pretty good with extending kindness to other people.  I love helping others out when they have something I can help them out with.

What I would like to work on with you is remembering to be kind to myself.  I have worked so hard at depleting my own self-worth, that I need to start bringing you back into my life.  I need your help.

I need to remember that I am doing the best I can, with the current knowledge, in this very moment.  I need to remember that I am a kind person, and not selfish like some people would have me believe.

With your help, I know I will find empowerment and self-confidence.  Also, I'll be able to afford more kindness to others when I am not berating myself constantly.

I look forward to working with you.

With love and courage,

Chess

Dear Family

Dear Family,

You are the people I choose to have in my life.  We are not all blood relatives.  We support each other, look out for each other, and wish the best for each other.

You are there when I need you.  At any time, you are there to lend a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or a smile to brighten my day.

You challenge me and teach me new things.  You converse with me about various topics, and for that I'm truly grateful.  You understand that I'm seeking new information every day, and you willingly provide it.

We may go long periods of time without seeing each other, be we know the love is there.  We each have our busy lives and know that we are rooting each other on.

I'm so proud of each and every one of you, and am so thankful you are all in my life,

Much love,

Chess

Dear Legs

Dear Legs,

Ever since puberty, I have wanted to hide you.  I don't know where the belief came from, but I thought you were something the world should never see.  You were always too white, too fat, too dimply, too hairy, too short.  I never really saw you for the awesomeness you truly are.

It has taken me many years.  Some belly dance and yoga has brought me to this point where I now appreciate you for what you do for me every day.  Yes, you are now a little thinner than you used to be, but you are also much stronger.  You carry me everywhere I go.  You hold me in poses that some people think are impossible.  You allow me to shimmy pretty darn well most days.

While I still have days where I feel like I should hide you from the world, I'm now at a point where I wear dresses that show you off some.  I wear leggings, rather than flared or straight-legged trousers.  I don't care as much if people see your veins or how big you are.

I've finally made some progress and I'm proud to show you off.

Much love,

Chess

Dear Shadows

Dear Shadows,

You are the darker parts of me.  You are the hatred and self-loathing.  You are the voices in my head that say I'm stupid, ugly, and not worthy of anything.

Slowly, I'm beginning to shine the light on you.  Not to completely rid myself of your presence, but to show myself the truth of what you really are.

I look forward to one day finally realizing just how little power you have over me.

Much love,

Chess

Dear Courage

Dear Courage,

You are another thing that I am constantly seeking.  I always feel like I can't find you when I need you.  I regularly feel like I am not brave and that I am weak.

However, a friend of mine suggested that I'm pretty brave when I need to be.  I spent many years in a thankless, dead-end job.  It took me a while to get out of there and I beat myself up for not leaving sooner.  She said that I was very courageous because I was adult enough about the whole situation to realize I had to stay there so I could pay my bills.

I have come to see that sometimes, Dear Courage, you are there and I don't even know it.  I love the phrase that sometimes Courage means saying I will try again tomorrow.

So, Dear Courage, I will try again tomorrow to not search so much for you, to have faith that you are already there.

With Love,

Chess

Dear Senses

Dear Senses,

I'm sorry I have often neglected you.  I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, not noticing anything else going on with my body.  This whole practice of yoga and mindfulness has me reconnecting with you each day.

I now take time to notice my body in yoga poses.  Sometimes I pause outside to notice the sights, sounds, smells, and feel of the day.  I love my time on walks with you, taking in so much information around me.

I'm still working on pausing during the work day to see how my body is feeling.  I am struggling with pausing while eating to see if I'm full.  If I'm having an anxiety attack, it's hard for me to pause and come back to my breath.

But there is a reason it is called practice.  You practice not until you get it right, but until you can't get it wrong.

So until that time, I'm still a work in progress and I work on reconnecting with you fully, once again.

Much love,

Chess

Dear Future Me

Dear Future Me,

There are many things I'd love to tell you.  I'd love to tell you that everything will be alright.   That the struggle you are going through now will be a huge benefit to you in the future.  I'd love to tell you that you will find fulfillment in your job and your relationships.  I'd love to tell you that you will come to find your worth.

But alas, I cannot tell you that, for you are in the future.  I can imagine these things for you and work on manifesting them, but I cannot tell you what will happen in the future.

So for now, I take everything one day at a time as best I can.  I try not to look into the future too much because it is anxiety inducing.  I try to have faith that I will land on my feet if I fall, or that a person who cares about me will be there to catch me.  I work on making small steps every day to bring you into fruition.

Together with Dear Younger Me, I think we have a bright future ahead.

Best Wishes,

Chess

Dear Hunger

Dear Hunger,

I'm often frustrated by you, pushing you down, trying to hide from you.  Whether it's hunger for food, hunger for things, or hunger connection, I'm constantly stifling you.  I realize that at times you are important.  You keep me fed, and you keep me striving to be a better person.

However, I find that my constant striving has become hurtful at times.  I'm always hungry for foods I shouldn't eat, and have finally managed to get down to a weight that makes me comfortable with who I am.  I'm always hungry for a life that is probably unattainable, because it isn't real.  It's hard to be happy when you have to work a lot of hours to pay for your brand new car and all the new clothing.

I'm slowly learning to tell you no.  I don't have to listen to you all the time.  I'm slowly learning balance in life.  Spending money on an item I'll only use once is silly.  Eating that really yummy desert may taste great in the moment, but if it causes my acne to break out and I beat myself up over that, it's not healthy.  That's what being mindful is all about.

I think we need a break Dear Hunger.  I think I need to take a pause in life and you can go bother someone else for a bit.

With Love,

Chess

Dear Imagination

Dear Imagination,

I feel like you are something else I've lost in the quest to become an adult.  I feel like I don't have enough time for you.  When I visit with you now, it seems like we go down this dark path of fear for the future.  It rather unhealthy, really.

I would like to spend some time getting to know the lighter side of you once again.  I would like to strengthen you and work together to make life better.

Maybe you could start visiting me at night so I can have some nice dreams like I used to.  Or maybe you can visit me at work sometimes and we can make something pretty cool together.

This letter serves as an open ended invite into my life.

With love,

Chess

Dear Younger Me

Dear Younger Me,

I would like to tell you to not be so hard on yourself.  You are doing the best you can, with the current knowledge you have.  By beating yourself up so much, you are pushing yourself down a dangerous path of self-loathing that only therapy will be able to fix.  We are all human, and we make mistakes. Accept that and learn from them.  It will hurt some of the time, but you will get far more out of it than by hating yourself for not being perfect.

But alas, I cannot tell you this, for you are my past.

What I can tell you is I forgive you.  Again, you were doing the best you could with information given to you at the time.  While it will be difficult to build your confidence, you can do it.  You are stronger than you think you are.  It's one step at a time.

I forgive you for all the hurtful things you said.  Again, you are only human and you made mistakes. As an adult, I am learning from them.

Thank you for sticking with it.  Things could be so much worse.

With love,

Chess

Dear Rest

Dear Rest,

I'm sorry that we don't have a better relationship.  I spend so much time doing everything but resting, that it seems I don't know you well at all anymore.  I'm slowly working on this.  I want to be better.  I don't want to go so long without you.  I know I need to take a little time out from my busy schedule so I can feel better.  I know that without you I won't be able to last much longer.

I know that my knee pain is due to not listening to my body's needs and seeking you out more.  I know my constant exhaustion is from running away from you for fear that people will think me too weak.  I know that I need to spend long weekends with you, and maybe take a vacation once in a while.

I'm committed to making this work.

With love,

Chess

Dear Feet

Dear Feet,

I know you work hard to keep me moving. You make it possible for me to dance and to do yoga.  You make it possible for me to go on walks with my dogs, my coworkers, or my friends.  You take me to beautiful places, and meetings where I can exercise other parts of my body.

I love to show you affection when I can.  A home pedicure every so often and loving licks from the dogs at other times.    I love looking at you and seeing the beauty therein.  I think you are one of my most beautiful parts of my body, even when you have a bruise because I dropped a book on you.

I do my best to keep you warm with heat packs, blankets, and even thrusting them on my husband sometimes.  I do my best to let you breathe, especially in the summer when it is hot out.

For everything that you do, I'm truly grateful and I hope I show you that gratitude well.

With lots of love,

Chess

Dear Love

Dear Love,

You are what makes the world go round.  You make people feel special and welcome.  You are the support we need when we are feeling down, and the connection to others when we feel alone. You are the happy, licking puppy who is exuberant that his owner is home.  You are the bond between a couple, despite all their troubles.  You tie families together, most often described as dysfunctional. You are also the kick in the pants we need to get the ball rolling.  You are the hands that catch us when we fall.  Surely without you humans would perish.

For me, Love is the Tribe of Women in my life.  The unconditional support from all the special ladies in my life.  There is no bashing of each other's bodies.  We see the beauty in each other, physically and spiritually.  We share in each other's strife, but also in our joys.  We provide for each other when someone is lacking.  We cry for each other when someone is hurting.  We share our knowledge so that we can all grow into the best we can be.  We are the best cheerleaders.  We test each other to help ensure the growth.

I'm grateful for every one of these ladies in my life.  I know I am loved, and that makes a whole world of difference.

All my love,

Chess

You are not alone

I know, I know, it's been a while.  There have been a few life changes and I'm just beginning to feel like writing again.  I managed to get out of my old job, into a new one, and things are ever evolving there.

The changes can be trying, for sure.  I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression.  Thankfully I've been receiving help for it, outside of yoga.  I've found some very helpful books and been doing a lot of reading.  I've met some interesting people.

I've come to discover what I love about yoga, aside from the exercise and breathing.  It's the community.  Even if I run in and out of class, there is something magical about being in the same room with people working their bodies in the same way.  Te conversations that are had before and after class are even more magical.  It allows me to connect with others.

If there is anything I've learned recently is that we are never alone in how we are feeling.  We are all tired, all anxious about something.  We all have moments where we fight depression.  The key is to accept that and not beat ourselves up for having "dark" thoughts.  Don't make life harder than it already is.

Namaste my friends,

Chess

Allowing ourselves to be human

I love to read, so I read A LOT of blogs throughout the week.  Lately, I have noticed a trend and decided I needed to write about it.  It seems that everyone is going through some rough times.  It happens.  We have ups, downs and some coasting throughout our lives.

The only real problem I see is that so many put a disclaimer on their articles that normally the writers are upbeat and happy, but they are having a rough time, so don't judge them on this one post.  It reminds me of the scene in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days where Andie is sitting in a meeting with her boss and the whole team that writes articles for a women's magazine.  Her boss is talking about all the upcoming articles and describes each one as being informative and upbeat, or delving into a mysterious event and upbeat, or talking about tough issues and upbeat.  Notice that she always wants her articles to be upbeat.

It makes me sad.  We are so worried about being happy all the time, that we aren't allowed to be human. We aren't allowed to feel anything but guilt for feeling a little down right now.  And then because we all write and talk about being so happy, the people who are dealing with some difficulties feel like they are abnormal.  Like there is something wrong with them.

How about we allow ourselves to feel some of these feelings?  Humanity comes with it all, not just the good.  You have to have the good to compare the bad to, or you have this neutral place with nothing to live for.  Have you read or watched The Giver?  If not, I suggest you do, and then let yourselves be human.

Blessings everyone,

Chess