Dear Chess

Dear Chess,

This last letter for April Love is dedicated to you.  It's about the things that you struggle with, despite how awesome you are.  Sometimes you have to be the person you wish you had in life, because ultimately, you spend so much more time with yourself than anyone else.

You are so very special.  There will never be anyone quite like you.  You are amazing and have a unique purpose in life.  While I know you don't know what that purpose is, you will need to trust that you will figure it out.

I know you feel unworthy of life and love.  You need to learn to love yourself, for all your "flaws"and attributes.  Regardless of what anyone else things, you are worthy of your own love at the very least. By showing yourself love, you will be so much better able to handle what life has to throw at you.

You need to trust that you will be ok.  Despite the hardships in life, you will figure it out.  It's human nature to survive.  We, as a whole, would not have made it this far without that survival instinct.

You need to believe that you are not a selfish person.  You may have moments where your survival instincts will kick in, but you are not selfish.  You give of yourself, your time, your money, to the point that you give too much for fear that people will think you are selfish.  Trust that you aren't, and allow yourself to back off a little on the giving.  It will be ok.

You are extremely smart.  You pick things up very quickly, you have two college degrees.  Just because you don't have a job directly using those skills does not make you stupid.  Sometimes you have to make a difficult choice and right now that is staying in a place where those degrees are less useful.  You have so many other skills and any employer would be glad to have you.

Trust that you are a good person.  Yes, not everyone will like you.  That is a reflection of themselves, not you.  The idea that they are jealous seems so far-fetched when you are struggling with their hatred and back-stabbing, but it probably is true.  You cannot change them, but you can ignore them and move on.  That's usually the best course of action.

Lastly, forgive yourself.  You can't keep beating yourself up for decisions you made in the past.  You were ignorant or working off of partial knowledge at the time.  That's the whole point of life's journey; to learn and grow.  If you were perfect right off the bat, you would have no where to go from birth.  It's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them.  Today may be difficult, but you can make tomorrow better.

Take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

You can do this.

With the utmost love,

Chess

Dear Sanctuary

Dear Sanctuary,

You are my home when I am struggling to be around people.  You are my husband's arms when I'm struggling to be myself.  You are my doggy cuddles after a long day at work.  You are a conversation with my sister when I am struggling with life.  You are the tribe of women who support me in my adventures and side-hustle.  You are a good book or show when I need to escape from life for a little bit to get out of my head.

I'm very grateful for all of this in my life.  I'm happy to have you there when I need you, in all the various ways.  You keep me sane when I think I'm going crazy, which seems to be more often than I would like.  You keep me warm when I am cold.  You keep me active when I would like to ball up on the couch.

I know most people think of you as a place to retreat when life gets rough.  You are that for me, but also the will to carry on when life gets tough.  One day at a time.

With love,

Chess

Dear Change

Dear Change,

You are something I fear and am excited for, often at the same time.  It's easy to fear you for the unknown is scary.  However, you can be exciting because you can bring so many wonderful things into my life.

You make me grow and become stronger, even when I think I'm not ready.  You challenge me to work beyond my current perceptions.  You bring light and sorrow and everything in between.

There is one thing I know that is constant, that there will ever be change.

Much love,

Chess

Dear Truth

Dear Truth,

My mom used to call me a liar because I would lie to her about things I did as a child.  While I recognize that I should have told the truth, I've come to realize that every child goes through a phase like that, and it is often based on self-preservation.  I didn't want to get in trouble so I thought lying about my actions would help.

Consequently, I came to believe that I am a terrible person because of my actions when I was a child. Now I am learning something new about you dear Truth.  I'm learning that the things I believe aren't actually true.

I have a hard time listening to you.  I know I'm not alone in this, but hopefully I'm getting better as I age.  Sometimes you are too much to carry at times, but that doesn't change the fact that you are there.

For the future, I promise to take things one day at a time and try to listen to you more.  You are absolutely necessary in my life.  I know that you will make me a better person, a stronger person, through all of life's circumstances.

With love,

Chess

Dear Fear

Dear Fear,

I am desperately trying to not let you rule my life right now.  I know that worrying about the future won't do much for me besides make me sick.  It's like my body has a mind of its own though, and the anxiety just keeps building until it boils over into tears.

What I really need from you right now is to let the strangle hold you have on my heart go, just a little bit.  I need a little room to breathe, to see that everything will be ok, no matter what happens.

At some point in the future, I hope we can come to some agreement that you will help me when I need you and I will let you into my life when it is truly necessary.

With love,

Chess

Dear Reflection

Dear Reflection,

When I look at you, I see a woman who is still struggling to figure out what she wants to do with her life.  A woman who struggles with her weight, but still manages to look nice on most days, despite how she feels.  I see a woman who is starting to get lines in her face, showing her age a little more.  A woman who has learned many things in her short life so far.  I see a woman who is now stronger, physically, than she has ever been.

When I look at you, I also see a little girl who desperately needs a little more love.  Love she didn't receive when she was a child, and love that she didn't give to herself growing up.  I want to give you a bath, wrap you up in a blanket, and tell you everything will be ok.  You are gorgeous and you are loved.  You are awesome and smart, you can really do almost anything.  You are not selfish and you are worthy of everything that you have received.

So, from now on, Dear Reflection, I plan to give you a little more love each day.  That little girl needs to hear it so that older lady can handle everything that is thrown at her.

With much love,

Chess

Dear Money

Dear Money,

We have had a difficult relationship, I know.  I have always feared not having enough of you. Growing up, we never wanted to for anything, but I can remember my mom always saying we didn't have money for things.

As I've grown up, I now see that some of it is what she chose to put her money into, and now I am enacting the same habits.  I spend you, and then I stress about not having enough.  This is a dangerous road we are on and cannot continue.

I'm slowly working to save more, spend less.  I know I don't need all this stuff.  Really it just collects dust.  However, these habits die hard, and the internet makes it even harder sometimes.  So, I try not to wander stores too much, and I try not to look at email ads or sales at stores I love to shop at.  By not looking, I save.

I have slowly increased the amount I shuttle off to savings accounts each month.  I've also really worked on socking you away for retirement.  Now I need to work on my fear of lacking and remember to be grateful for what I have.

It helps that I have such a supportive husband.

I look forward to seeing more of you in the future,

Chess.

Dear Rest

Dear Rest,

I'm sorry that we don't have a better relationship.  I spend so much time doing everything but resting, that it seems I don't know you well at all anymore.  I'm slowly working on this.  I want to be better.  I don't want to go so long without you.  I know I need to take a little time out from my busy schedule so I can feel better.  I know that without you I won't be able to last much longer.

I know that my knee pain is due to not listening to my body's needs and seeking you out more.  I know my constant exhaustion is from running away from you for fear that people will think me too weak.  I know that I need to spend long weekends with you, and maybe take a vacation once in a while.

I'm committed to making this work.

With love,

Chess

You are not alone

I know, I know, it's been a while.  There have been a few life changes and I'm just beginning to feel like writing again.  I managed to get out of my old job, into a new one, and things are ever evolving there.

The changes can be trying, for sure.  I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression.  Thankfully I've been receiving help for it, outside of yoga.  I've found some very helpful books and been doing a lot of reading.  I've met some interesting people.

I've come to discover what I love about yoga, aside from the exercise and breathing.  It's the community.  Even if I run in and out of class, there is something magical about being in the same room with people working their bodies in the same way.  Te conversations that are had before and after class are even more magical.  It allows me to connect with others.

If there is anything I've learned recently is that we are never alone in how we are feeling.  We are all tired, all anxious about something.  We all have moments where we fight depression.  The key is to accept that and not beat ourselves up for having "dark" thoughts.  Don't make life harder than it already is.

Namaste my friends,

Chess

The wobbly monkey

It's no secret that I often hit Dutch Brothers on my way to the studio before I teach.  The coffee is yummy and the people there are priceless.

One day a gentleman asked me where I was headed, like usual.  I told him I was headed to the studio to teach yoga and he asked me if I had any special poses for this class.  He then asked if I was teaching the Eiffel Tower.  I said that would be like what I call Extended Mountain, only the feet might be a little wider and the hands would be clasped above the head.  It wouldn't be much different.

Then he asked me if I might be teaching the wobbly monkey, to which I responded that I teach that all the time.  In reality, every day we are just wobbly monkeys trying to figure out this thing we call life.  Some days are better than others, but I doubt anyone truly feels completely stable every day of their lives.  We are always learning and trying our best.  We try to balance and we fall and get right back up.  Sometimes we get the help of our friends or family, and sometimes we don't.

It's ok to wobble, to be unsure of ourselves.  It marks our humanity.  I love that a simple, quick conversation over coffee brought this up.

Namaste,

Chess

Finding the courage to continue on

Some days are good and some days are bad.  We are all human and we have our ups and downs.  Some days when I have yoga to teach toward the end of the day, I question myself pretty harshly.  I have seen a few posts recently that say the same thing, so I know I'm not alone.

The thoughts that go through my head sound pretty abrasive when you read them.  Who am I to teach these students?  What makes me so special?  There are thousands of other yoga teachers out there, I will never get anywhere with this.  Those other teachers are better than I am.  I'm not a skinny yogini, I don't eat a Vegan diet.  Who would want to come to my class?

The things I need to remember, however, are that I'm the one who went through the training to teach something I love and feel anyone can benefit from.  I'm the one who worked hard to create my website and made sure I have a space to rent for teaching classes.  I need to take pride in that.

Also, the proper students will find me when the time is right for them.  So what if I'm not skinny?  That may mean that someone who isn't thin as well might look at yoga in a different light.  I eat meat, so what?  A lot of people do.  I love animals but I also need to take care of myself.  Realizing that is part of yoga, too (ahimsa for those who know a little more of what I'm talking about).  I also don't like exhaustively hot classes, which means others who don't like that will come to my classes.

In the end, I have friends and family who believe I can do this when I'm having a rough day.  Just when I think I am going to throw in the towel and give up, my phone rings and it is a lovely man who wants to come to my classes.  He's so sure of my classes that he is willing to pay for my 10 class card before even trying one.  Each time he comes to class, he tells me he loves my class and as soon as he's done with this card, he will buy another one.

Then I remember, it's not about me at all.  It's about the students.

Namaste my friends,

Chess