Dear Legs

Dear Legs,

Ever since puberty, I have wanted to hide you.  I don't know where the belief came from, but I thought you were something the world should never see.  You were always too white, too fat, too dimply, too hairy, too short.  I never really saw you for the awesomeness you truly are.

It has taken me many years.  Some belly dance and yoga has brought me to this point where I now appreciate you for what you do for me every day.  Yes, you are now a little thinner than you used to be, but you are also much stronger.  You carry me everywhere I go.  You hold me in poses that some people think are impossible.  You allow me to shimmy pretty darn well most days.

While I still have days where I feel like I should hide you from the world, I'm now at a point where I wear dresses that show you off some.  I wear leggings, rather than flared or straight-legged trousers.  I don't care as much if people see your veins or how big you are.

I've finally made some progress and I'm proud to show you off.

Much love,

Chess

Dear Hunger

Dear Hunger,

I'm often frustrated by you, pushing you down, trying to hide from you.  Whether it's hunger for food, hunger for things, or hunger connection, I'm constantly stifling you.  I realize that at times you are important.  You keep me fed, and you keep me striving to be a better person.

However, I find that my constant striving has become hurtful at times.  I'm always hungry for foods I shouldn't eat, and have finally managed to get down to a weight that makes me comfortable with who I am.  I'm always hungry for a life that is probably unattainable, because it isn't real.  It's hard to be happy when you have to work a lot of hours to pay for your brand new car and all the new clothing.

I'm slowly learning to tell you no.  I don't have to listen to you all the time.  I'm slowly learning balance in life.  Spending money on an item I'll only use once is silly.  Eating that really yummy desert may taste great in the moment, but if it causes my acne to break out and I beat myself up over that, it's not healthy.  That's what being mindful is all about.

I think we need a break Dear Hunger.  I think I need to take a pause in life and you can go bother someone else for a bit.

With Love,

Chess

What making yoga accessible means to me

The studio where I did my teacher training has a guiding principle that yoga should be accessible to all people. I, too, agree that yoga should be made accessible.  I chose to make it available to people in a different way.

Backstory

I hated sports when I was growing up.  I always felt inadequate and felt like I was never competitive or physical enough.  I had very low self-esteem and hated my body- I was significantly overweight. I suffered from depression and anxiety.

In college, I found belly dance, and then yoga, and discovered ways for me to be more physical without requiring me to be competitive. I lost a fair amount of weight, gained some confidence, and finally graduated college.  I still battle with depression and anxiety at times.

In 2012 I started taking formal belly dance lesson from Valerie of Bravo Belly Dance. I decided I wanted to teach yoga so I could help people find yoga and help them build their confidence.  I wanted to help student combat anxiety and depression like I have.

Today

I love teaching beginner students.  These students are just starting their yoga journey, many of them in retirement.  I love seeing the changes as they occur.  Some students find more strength- physical and emotional, some find weight loss, others find some quiet time for the monkey chatter.

I have been there and I love sharing my experiences and my lessons with others.  One saying in yoga is "the obstacle is the path."  I believe that is true and we are put on this earth to share these lessons with others; to connect with other people so they, too, can learn and expand.

Finding the courage to continue on

Some days are good and some days are bad.  We are all human and we have our ups and downs.  Some days when I have yoga to teach toward the end of the day, I question myself pretty harshly.  I have seen a few posts recently that say the same thing, so I know I'm not alone.

The thoughts that go through my head sound pretty abrasive when you read them.  Who am I to teach these students?  What makes me so special?  There are thousands of other yoga teachers out there, I will never get anywhere with this.  Those other teachers are better than I am.  I'm not a skinny yogini, I don't eat a Vegan diet.  Who would want to come to my class?

The things I need to remember, however, are that I'm the one who went through the training to teach something I love and feel anyone can benefit from.  I'm the one who worked hard to create my website and made sure I have a space to rent for teaching classes.  I need to take pride in that.

Also, the proper students will find me when the time is right for them.  So what if I'm not skinny?  That may mean that someone who isn't thin as well might look at yoga in a different light.  I eat meat, so what?  A lot of people do.  I love animals but I also need to take care of myself.  Realizing that is part of yoga, too (ahimsa for those who know a little more of what I'm talking about).  I also don't like exhaustively hot classes, which means others who don't like that will come to my classes.

In the end, I have friends and family who believe I can do this when I'm having a rough day.  Just when I think I am going to throw in the towel and give up, my phone rings and it is a lovely man who wants to come to my classes.  He's so sure of my classes that he is willing to pay for my 10 class card before even trying one.  Each time he comes to class, he tells me he loves my class and as soon as he's done with this card, he will buy another one.

Then I remember, it's not about me at all.  It's about the students.

Namaste my friends,

Chess

Body image and eating disorders part II

Earlier I wrote about the idea that maybe some of us feel like we are not heard or seen, so we eat to allow us to take up for space.  I went to a workshop the other night revolving around using Yoga to work through Trauma.

One of the concepts that came up really could apply to feeling like people don't hear us or see us. The idea is using certain powerful poses to make us bigger.  There is great research out there that suggests if we stand much taller, we feel more confident.  We are simply taking up more space, forcing people to take notice more.  A great video to watch is this one by Amy Cuddy.

So what poses can you use to make yourself feel better when you are having an insecure moment? Anything that will make you bigger.  Think Extended Mountain, Warrior I, II, and III.  Maybe some Triangle in there or a mini back bend from Extended Mountain, cactusing out your arms.  You can run through some Sun Salutations to work out the anxiety, to make you feel like you accomplished something.  There is a reason why you feel so good after an asana class.  You just spent a lot of time taking up space, making yourself more powerful.

Take some time and make yourself feel more powerful today.  Do some poses or think back to how many times you have survived some tumultuous times.

Bright blessings my friends,

Chess

Body image and eating disorders

I read an article about body affirmations that really got me thinking.  Before the author got to her list of body affirmations she uses, she spoke of her eating disorder history.  She had anorexia when she was younger, she claimed that she just wanted to disappear.  Now I know that that's not the reason for all people who have dealt with anorexia, but I wondered if the reverse were true.

Is it possible that some of us who eat more than we "should" feel like we are not seen or heard, and just want that, so we eat to make ourselves bigger?  I know some people claim that they gain weight because it creates a protective barrier, but what about the rest?

I admit that I am not a skinny chick, and that I eat more than I "should."  (I use "should" because that is based on what people think, not necessarily on anything else.)  I fight with my own body image at times, just like a lot of other people out there.  It's a byproduct of never feeling normal.  But then, am I eating so much because I want people to see the real me?

Just food for thought.

Namaste my friends,

Chess

Putting more power in our own hands

It can be difficult sometimes when we feel helpless and powerless, especially for those of us who are control freaks.  I've mentioned before that I have struggled with my weight, and maybe I've mentioned that I have Hypothyroidism.  I often feel sluggish, tired, overweight, etc.

While I don't advocate losing weight for vanity reason, health reasons are another matter.  My father-in-law has type 2 diabetes, and was hospitalized earlier in the year for severely high blood sugar levels.  That scares me a lot.  There have been studies that suggest it can run in the family.  My husband's mother also has type 2 diabetes.  The likelihood of my husband getting it is much higher than for some other people.  While my parents don't have it, I don't want to worry about getting diabetes.

Consequently, I have tried to eat more healthy, get more active, and try to lose some of this excess weight.  I have come a long way, from nearly 200 to 160lbs.  Maybe some of my sluggishness is due to carrying an extra 10, 20, 30 pounds around.  But, with my inactive thyroid, I often feel like I am fighting an uphill battle.  That no matter what I do, I will not be able to lose all this weight...EVER!

Nevermind the fact that I still make some poor food choices and drink far too many calories a day. Nevermind the fact that I have a desk job, and find it difficult to leave the office for more than a quick jaunt to the bathroom. Nevermind the fact that, aside from my belly dance classes or my yoga classes, I go home and sit on my duff at night.  "I'm just too tired to do anything," I say to myself, and cuddling on the couch with my dogs sounds like more fun.

I've been searching for new motivation in getting healthier overall, and I think I found it in a more unlikely place.  I was watching a business video where the woman said we have to change how we think about money to become successful, to give ourselves more power.  The example she cited was instead of saying "I can't afford that," change the phrasing to "I choose not to go into debt over this item."

Today I was linking that to eating better and losing weight.  Today I choose to forgo a mocha that is so very tempting, so that I don't go into debt more, money or weight.  Today I choose to take a brisk 1 mile walk on my 15 minute break, to work toward a healthier lifestyle.

Bright blessings my friends,

Chess