Dear Chess

Dear Chess,

This last letter for April Love is dedicated to you.  It's about the things that you struggle with, despite how awesome you are.  Sometimes you have to be the person you wish you had in life, because ultimately, you spend so much more time with yourself than anyone else.

You are so very special.  There will never be anyone quite like you.  You are amazing and have a unique purpose in life.  While I know you don't know what that purpose is, you will need to trust that you will figure it out.

I know you feel unworthy of life and love.  You need to learn to love yourself, for all your "flaws"and attributes.  Regardless of what anyone else things, you are worthy of your own love at the very least. By showing yourself love, you will be so much better able to handle what life has to throw at you.

You need to trust that you will be ok.  Despite the hardships in life, you will figure it out.  It's human nature to survive.  We, as a whole, would not have made it this far without that survival instinct.

You need to believe that you are not a selfish person.  You may have moments where your survival instincts will kick in, but you are not selfish.  You give of yourself, your time, your money, to the point that you give too much for fear that people will think you are selfish.  Trust that you aren't, and allow yourself to back off a little on the giving.  It will be ok.

You are extremely smart.  You pick things up very quickly, you have two college degrees.  Just because you don't have a job directly using those skills does not make you stupid.  Sometimes you have to make a difficult choice and right now that is staying in a place where those degrees are less useful.  You have so many other skills and any employer would be glad to have you.

Trust that you are a good person.  Yes, not everyone will like you.  That is a reflection of themselves, not you.  The idea that they are jealous seems so far-fetched when you are struggling with their hatred and back-stabbing, but it probably is true.  You cannot change them, but you can ignore them and move on.  That's usually the best course of action.

Lastly, forgive yourself.  You can't keep beating yourself up for decisions you made in the past.  You were ignorant or working off of partial knowledge at the time.  That's the whole point of life's journey; to learn and grow.  If you were perfect right off the bat, you would have no where to go from birth.  It's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them.  Today may be difficult, but you can make tomorrow better.

Take it one day at a time, one step at a time.

You can do this.

With the utmost love,

Chess

Dear Truth

Dear Truth,

My mom used to call me a liar because I would lie to her about things I did as a child.  While I recognize that I should have told the truth, I've come to realize that every child goes through a phase like that, and it is often based on self-preservation.  I didn't want to get in trouble so I thought lying about my actions would help.

Consequently, I came to believe that I am a terrible person because of my actions when I was a child. Now I am learning something new about you dear Truth.  I'm learning that the things I believe aren't actually true.

I have a hard time listening to you.  I know I'm not alone in this, but hopefully I'm getting better as I age.  Sometimes you are too much to carry at times, but that doesn't change the fact that you are there.

For the future, I promise to take things one day at a time and try to listen to you more.  You are absolutely necessary in my life.  I know that you will make me a better person, a stronger person, through all of life's circumstances.

With love,

Chess

Dear Reflection

Dear Reflection,

When I look at you, I see a woman who is still struggling to figure out what she wants to do with her life.  A woman who struggles with her weight, but still manages to look nice on most days, despite how she feels.  I see a woman who is starting to get lines in her face, showing her age a little more.  A woman who has learned many things in her short life so far.  I see a woman who is now stronger, physically, than she has ever been.

When I look at you, I also see a little girl who desperately needs a little more love.  Love she didn't receive when she was a child, and love that she didn't give to herself growing up.  I want to give you a bath, wrap you up in a blanket, and tell you everything will be ok.  You are gorgeous and you are loved.  You are awesome and smart, you can really do almost anything.  You are not selfish and you are worthy of everything that you have received.

So, from now on, Dear Reflection, I plan to give you a little more love each day.  That little girl needs to hear it so that older lady can handle everything that is thrown at her.

With much love,

Chess

Dear Courage

Dear Courage,

You are another thing that I am constantly seeking.  I always feel like I can't find you when I need you.  I regularly feel like I am not brave and that I am weak.

However, a friend of mine suggested that I'm pretty brave when I need to be.  I spent many years in a thankless, dead-end job.  It took me a while to get out of there and I beat myself up for not leaving sooner.  She said that I was very courageous because I was adult enough about the whole situation to realize I had to stay there so I could pay my bills.

I have come to see that sometimes, Dear Courage, you are there and I don't even know it.  I love the phrase that sometimes Courage means saying I will try again tomorrow.

So, Dear Courage, I will try again tomorrow to not search so much for you, to have faith that you are already there.

With Love,

Chess

Dear Senses

Dear Senses,

I'm sorry I have often neglected you.  I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, not noticing anything else going on with my body.  This whole practice of yoga and mindfulness has me reconnecting with you each day.

I now take time to notice my body in yoga poses.  Sometimes I pause outside to notice the sights, sounds, smells, and feel of the day.  I love my time on walks with you, taking in so much information around me.

I'm still working on pausing during the work day to see how my body is feeling.  I am struggling with pausing while eating to see if I'm full.  If I'm having an anxiety attack, it's hard for me to pause and come back to my breath.

But there is a reason it is called practice.  You practice not until you get it right, but until you can't get it wrong.

So until that time, I'm still a work in progress and I work on reconnecting with you fully, once again.

Much love,

Chess

Dear Future Me

Dear Future Me,

There are many things I'd love to tell you.  I'd love to tell you that everything will be alright.   That the struggle you are going through now will be a huge benefit to you in the future.  I'd love to tell you that you will find fulfillment in your job and your relationships.  I'd love to tell you that you will come to find your worth.

But alas, I cannot tell you that, for you are in the future.  I can imagine these things for you and work on manifesting them, but I cannot tell you what will happen in the future.

So for now, I take everything one day at a time as best I can.  I try not to look into the future too much because it is anxiety inducing.  I try to have faith that I will land on my feet if I fall, or that a person who cares about me will be there to catch me.  I work on making small steps every day to bring you into fruition.

Together with Dear Younger Me, I think we have a bright future ahead.

Best Wishes,

Chess

Dear Hunger

Dear Hunger,

I'm often frustrated by you, pushing you down, trying to hide from you.  Whether it's hunger for food, hunger for things, or hunger connection, I'm constantly stifling you.  I realize that at times you are important.  You keep me fed, and you keep me striving to be a better person.

However, I find that my constant striving has become hurtful at times.  I'm always hungry for foods I shouldn't eat, and have finally managed to get down to a weight that makes me comfortable with who I am.  I'm always hungry for a life that is probably unattainable, because it isn't real.  It's hard to be happy when you have to work a lot of hours to pay for your brand new car and all the new clothing.

I'm slowly learning to tell you no.  I don't have to listen to you all the time.  I'm slowly learning balance in life.  Spending money on an item I'll only use once is silly.  Eating that really yummy desert may taste great in the moment, but if it causes my acne to break out and I beat myself up over that, it's not healthy.  That's what being mindful is all about.

I think we need a break Dear Hunger.  I think I need to take a pause in life and you can go bother someone else for a bit.

With Love,

Chess

Dear Imagination

Dear Imagination,

I feel like you are something else I've lost in the quest to become an adult.  I feel like I don't have enough time for you.  When I visit with you now, it seems like we go down this dark path of fear for the future.  It rather unhealthy, really.

I would like to spend some time getting to know the lighter side of you once again.  I would like to strengthen you and work together to make life better.

Maybe you could start visiting me at night so I can have some nice dreams like I used to.  Or maybe you can visit me at work sometimes and we can make something pretty cool together.

This letter serves as an open ended invite into my life.

With love,

Chess

Dear Rest

Dear Rest,

I'm sorry that we don't have a better relationship.  I spend so much time doing everything but resting, that it seems I don't know you well at all anymore.  I'm slowly working on this.  I want to be better.  I don't want to go so long without you.  I know I need to take a little time out from my busy schedule so I can feel better.  I know that without you I won't be able to last much longer.

I know that my knee pain is due to not listening to my body's needs and seeking you out more.  I know my constant exhaustion is from running away from you for fear that people will think me too weak.  I know that I need to spend long weekends with you, and maybe take a vacation once in a while.

I'm committed to making this work.

With love,

Chess

Dear Intuition

Dear Intuition,

You are something that I hope for, wish for, dream of at times.  I constantly am searching for you and asking you to visit me.  One day I hope to find you, though the more I read, the more I think I need to just relax, that you are already within me.

Maybe there are times when I don't realize it is you, but I make the right decision anyway.  Maybe there are times when I'm looking for you and expecting something else.  I certainly do that enough with other things in my life.  Maybe you are more like wisdom than some supernatural power.

Regardless, I hope to someday be friends.

With all my love,

Chess

Dear Morning

Dear Morning,

I know we haven't always gotten along well.  I'm much more of an evening person really.  However, over time, I've come to love the sun rise, making it easier to love you, as long as it isn't too early.

I'll probably never be a morning person.  I'll probably never like exercising in the morning, or even morning yoga.  However, I know you will always be there; one of the constants in my life.  For that, I'm thankful.

Something I hate more than early mornings is change.  Every time something remains the same, I experience a little less anxiety.  Even though my Monday mornings can be anxiety inducing, the sun rise makes life a little easier.

Much love,

Chess

You are not alone

I know, I know, it's been a while.  There have been a few life changes and I'm just beginning to feel like writing again.  I managed to get out of my old job, into a new one, and things are ever evolving there.

The changes can be trying, for sure.  I struggle a lot with anxiety and depression.  Thankfully I've been receiving help for it, outside of yoga.  I've found some very helpful books and been doing a lot of reading.  I've met some interesting people.

I've come to discover what I love about yoga, aside from the exercise and breathing.  It's the community.  Even if I run in and out of class, there is something magical about being in the same room with people working their bodies in the same way.  Te conversations that are had before and after class are even more magical.  It allows me to connect with others.

If there is anything I've learned recently is that we are never alone in how we are feeling.  We are all tired, all anxious about something.  We all have moments where we fight depression.  The key is to accept that and not beat ourselves up for having "dark" thoughts.  Don't make life harder than it already is.

Namaste my friends,

Chess

Finding the courage to continue on

Some days are good and some days are bad.  We are all human and we have our ups and downs.  Some days when I have yoga to teach toward the end of the day, I question myself pretty harshly.  I have seen a few posts recently that say the same thing, so I know I'm not alone.

The thoughts that go through my head sound pretty abrasive when you read them.  Who am I to teach these students?  What makes me so special?  There are thousands of other yoga teachers out there, I will never get anywhere with this.  Those other teachers are better than I am.  I'm not a skinny yogini, I don't eat a Vegan diet.  Who would want to come to my class?

The things I need to remember, however, are that I'm the one who went through the training to teach something I love and feel anyone can benefit from.  I'm the one who worked hard to create my website and made sure I have a space to rent for teaching classes.  I need to take pride in that.

Also, the proper students will find me when the time is right for them.  So what if I'm not skinny?  That may mean that someone who isn't thin as well might look at yoga in a different light.  I eat meat, so what?  A lot of people do.  I love animals but I also need to take care of myself.  Realizing that is part of yoga, too (ahimsa for those who know a little more of what I'm talking about).  I also don't like exhaustively hot classes, which means others who don't like that will come to my classes.

In the end, I have friends and family who believe I can do this when I'm having a rough day.  Just when I think I am going to throw in the towel and give up, my phone rings and it is a lovely man who wants to come to my classes.  He's so sure of my classes that he is willing to pay for my 10 class card before even trying one.  Each time he comes to class, he tells me he loves my class and as soon as he's done with this card, he will buy another one.

Then I remember, it's not about me at all.  It's about the students.

Namaste my friends,

Chess

Allowing ourselves to be human

I love to read, so I read A LOT of blogs throughout the week.  Lately, I have noticed a trend and decided I needed to write about it.  It seems that everyone is going through some rough times.  It happens.  We have ups, downs and some coasting throughout our lives.

The only real problem I see is that so many put a disclaimer on their articles that normally the writers are upbeat and happy, but they are having a rough time, so don't judge them on this one post.  It reminds me of the scene in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days where Andie is sitting in a meeting with her boss and the whole team that writes articles for a women's magazine.  Her boss is talking about all the upcoming articles and describes each one as being informative and upbeat, or delving into a mysterious event and upbeat, or talking about tough issues and upbeat.  Notice that she always wants her articles to be upbeat.

It makes me sad.  We are so worried about being happy all the time, that we aren't allowed to be human. We aren't allowed to feel anything but guilt for feeling a little down right now.  And then because we all write and talk about being so happy, the people who are dealing with some difficulties feel like they are abnormal.  Like there is something wrong with them.

How about we allow ourselves to feel some of these feelings?  Humanity comes with it all, not just the good.  You have to have the good to compare the bad to, or you have this neutral place with nothing to live for.  Have you read or watched The Giver?  If not, I suggest you do, and then let yourselves be human.

Blessings everyone,

Chess

Putting more power in our own hands

It can be difficult sometimes when we feel helpless and powerless, especially for those of us who are control freaks.  I've mentioned before that I have struggled with my weight, and maybe I've mentioned that I have Hypothyroidism.  I often feel sluggish, tired, overweight, etc.

While I don't advocate losing weight for vanity reason, health reasons are another matter.  My father-in-law has type 2 diabetes, and was hospitalized earlier in the year for severely high blood sugar levels.  That scares me a lot.  There have been studies that suggest it can run in the family.  My husband's mother also has type 2 diabetes.  The likelihood of my husband getting it is much higher than for some other people.  While my parents don't have it, I don't want to worry about getting diabetes.

Consequently, I have tried to eat more healthy, get more active, and try to lose some of this excess weight.  I have come a long way, from nearly 200 to 160lbs.  Maybe some of my sluggishness is due to carrying an extra 10, 20, 30 pounds around.  But, with my inactive thyroid, I often feel like I am fighting an uphill battle.  That no matter what I do, I will not be able to lose all this weight...EVER!

Nevermind the fact that I still make some poor food choices and drink far too many calories a day. Nevermind the fact that I have a desk job, and find it difficult to leave the office for more than a quick jaunt to the bathroom. Nevermind the fact that, aside from my belly dance classes or my yoga classes, I go home and sit on my duff at night.  "I'm just too tired to do anything," I say to myself, and cuddling on the couch with my dogs sounds like more fun.

I've been searching for new motivation in getting healthier overall, and I think I found it in a more unlikely place.  I was watching a business video where the woman said we have to change how we think about money to become successful, to give ourselves more power.  The example she cited was instead of saying "I can't afford that," change the phrasing to "I choose not to go into debt over this item."

Today I was linking that to eating better and losing weight.  Today I choose to forgo a mocha that is so very tempting, so that I don't go into debt more, money or weight.  Today I choose to take a brisk 1 mile walk on my 15 minute break, to work toward a healthier lifestyle.

Bright blessings my friends,

Chess

One of the biggest misconceptions about yoga

One thing I know most yoga teachers can relate to is when they suggest that someone try yoga, the person responds with the fact that they aren't that flexible.  Sometimes you want to respond and say that it builds flexibility, and sometimes you wonder if they are just trying to be polite and side step the issue of saying no thanks.

However, for those that are on the fence about yoga, and feel that some of what is holding you back is flexibility, I want to assure you that you will build flexibility, as well as strength as you practice more.  It's very easy to believe that all yogis are thin, flexible, vegan, spiritual beings.  I'm here to tell you that isn't completely true.

We all are human.  We practice yoga for a reason.  When I first started I couldn't get my glutes down on the ground in One-Legged King Pigeon.  Now, I am there most of the time, unless I haven't practiced that pose in a while, or I'm stressing too much about life.

Over time, I have built up that flexibility as well as a lot of strength.  At the beginning, when I tried to hold plank, I would be there for a second before dropping down to my knees to make it easier.  Then I was able to hold it longer, but wasn't able to lower down to my belly without dropping to my knees first.  Just recently I was surprised when I lowered down to my belly without any modifications.

It just takes time, practice, and patience.  I don't want anyone to feel like they can't do something that they want to try.  So don't let your belief in your flexibility or lack there-of keep you from trying something new.

Until later,

Chess

Our journey in life

Lately I have been trying to figure out where my life is headed.  I have a few options in front of me, and I am so preoccupied with finding the right one.

I'm sure you know what that is like.  You don't really want any regrets in life.  Maybe that's why we get so busy.  We want everything in life.

Anyway, I'm tired of where I am.  I have this great opportunity to turn something I love into a business, but what if I stop loving it because I then need to make money off of it?  I could try driving close to an hour one way to work, but I would possibly be doing what I trained to do in college.  My husband also knows a couple of people from work who left to start their own company, and once again I could be doing what I trained to do.

At this point, I don't really know what I should be doing.  I feel a little overwhelmed, but am trying to take things one day at a time.  I am also trying not to lose sight of the future, so if I just keep plodding along, one day the future will be now and I will be looking back asking where all the time went.

I have discussed this with a few people, but don't want to burden anyone, as I know this is my issue and I need to figure it.  The best advice came at my Steampunk meeting where a couple of people decided to do Tarot card readings with Halloween coming up.  The second person who did a reading for me told me that the choice I make will be the right choice for me.

It changed my world!  I now am less worried about making the right decision.  I just need to pursue all the opportunities and see where the pieces fall.  That may mean that I will have all these opportunities fall into my lap and I will have to make a decision.  That may mean that only one will truly come through, and that will be the path I take.

The path I choose will be the right one for me.

Until later,

Chess

Practicing Mindfulness in Asana

Saturday I spent the evening dancing in Manitou with my troupe.  The sun was beating down pretty hard in the beginning, so much so that sweat was just rolling down my legs.  Eventually the cloud cover moved in and it was very nice weather to dance in.  After two hours of dance, though, I was exhausted.  Sure, there were breaks between sets, but I was on my feet the whole time. Have I mentioned I have a desk job?  Yeah, that was pretty rough on my body.  It was so much fun that I would do it again, despite my physical discomfort that evening and yesterday.

Yesterday I went to yoga in the park.  There is, now, only one more left and one of my favorite teachers was teaching flow yesterday.  I had to go!

We started with some gentle seated twists, moved into Cat/Cows, and then into Child's pose.  From there we moved into (the sometimes dreaded) Downward Facing Dog.  This one was extremely difficult for me as my whole lower body was tight and sore.  Eventually we moved into a Forward Fold and I realized that I would just have to take it easy.

For much of the class I would either sit back, drink a little water, and watch what others were doing or I would sit in Child's Pose.  I didn't beat myself up for it.  I knew my body was overworked and needed a little rest.  Yoga isn't just about the poses, it's about being present, about mindfulness, maybe a little meditation too.  I was at peace with my body and how I was feeling.

During the middle of the class, we had the opportunity to do an assisted hand stand.  While my lower body wasn't very happy with me, my upper body was up for the challenge.  My friend assisted me and it was one of the best hand stands I've done so far in my little yoga journey.  I'm grateful for that opportunity and my friend being there to help me feel stable.  That's half the battle in inversions really.

It may seem that I am harping on this subject a lot.  We really need to be ok with listening to our bodies.  Just like we should try to get exercise and eat healthier foods, we need to actually listen and not overdo it.  This is the only body we have.  Medicine can help us in some ways, but I don't want to have surgery to fix something when I could just back off a little.

And you know what?  This class was one of the best ones I have had.

Namaste my friends,

Chess

Listening to your body

When I teach, I remind my students often to listen to their bodies.  Every day is different and I know all too well that it also affects our asana.

A couple weeks ago, I was at my usual Sunday morning Yoga in the Park.  For whatever reason, I had no energy and felt very wonky.  There was one point when I just felt too tired to complete some of the Sun B.  Consequently, I sat down, grabbed some water, then moved into Child's Pose.  I sat in that pose until the instructor moved everyone into core.  I don't feel guilty about that.

In the US, we are pushed to compete, with others and ourselves.  Always pushing harder and harder.  It's no wonder that Yoga Flows and Hot Yoga are so popular here.  At some point, though, something has to give.  There is a limit to what we can do and when we run into those limits we must take a step back for ourselves.

The point of asana is to be mindful and listen to what our body needs.  Take the water break, towel off, rest in Child's Pose, or even sit there and just watch what is going on.  It will serve us better than pushing through our limits and potentially injuring our bodies.

Namaste my friends,

Chess